I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
