my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
