I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
