Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
