You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
