something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
