people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
