I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
