as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize