everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize