Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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