there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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