My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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