My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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