You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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