I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
