mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
