My nipple is on Facebook.
please come you make the beer taste better
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
