i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
