does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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