Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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