I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
