No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
