I'm going to jail i love you
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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