I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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