Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
