Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
