he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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