I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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