you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize