I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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