So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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