She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize