By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
