ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize