Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize