I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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