I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
