3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize