I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
