there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
