before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize