My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
