Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So many bounce houses so little time
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
