I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
