My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
