Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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