i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
