I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
