I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Help. Why am I so naked?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
