i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
