How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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