Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
