peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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