I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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