i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
