if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize