You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
